Thanks to Andrew Webb for this handy guide for the Accidental Churchgoer. I summarize it here:
1. Try to stay up as late as possible the night before. If possible, try to drink too much as well. Nothing says “not ready for worship†like a hangover.
2. Do nothing to prepare your heart to worship.
3. Arrive at church late and then leave church as quickly as you can.
4. Schedule something you really want to do immediately after church.
5. Try to participate as little as you possibly can during the service.
6. Get angry at perceived slights and stay angry for the rest of the service, or the rest of the week if possible.
7. Don’t take notes or discuss anything related to the sermon or Sunday school.
8. Pack the rest of your Sunday full of diverting things.
9. Make sure you ONLY attend the morning worship service.
10. Do everything you can to make sure the other members of the congregation remain strangers to you.
Here’s my addendum:
1. You’ve got the whole night to party away.
2. Watch TV from Saturday night till it’s time to go on Sunday morning.
3. Sleep in, since you’ve been getting up so early for work.
4. If Pacquiao has a fight, or it’s Super Bowl Sunday, plan on leaving early. Or better yet, don’t go. There will be many other Sundays, but a Pacquiao fight and the Super Bowl happens only once a year.
5. You’ll be edified—and entertained—just watching the pretty girls in the worship team.
6. You know the pastor is making fun of you during the sermon.
7. Instead, discuss the latest restaurant or movie or vacation.
8. Go to church IF AND ONLY IF you’re bored at your usual Sunday activities. But be prepared to make a defensive alibi to anyone who asks you for a reason for your absence.
9. Especially if your church is in the mall, or a megachurch mall. Shop till you drop after the service.
10. Make sure all the others notice you sitting smugly by yourself after the service. See also #3.
And here’s the clincher to this guide:
If the above top ten tips sound like too much effort, DON’T PANIC. Simply do everything you can to make sure you miss church entirely! Attend a “virtual church†online in your PJs, join a youth sports league that plays on Sunday, schedule a family outing on Sunday morning, take a job in a retail business or restaurant that requires you to work on Sunday, don’t set the alarm, or if you did, keep hitting snooze till its too late to go.
Remember, the deceiver wants you to know that just because you don’t actually worship God on the golf course doesn’t mean you couldn’t do it just as well as you do at church. I mean its not like the apostles and the giants of the Christian faith wasted their time with fellowship, preaching, prayer, the Lord’s supper and baptism. I’m sure if you looked hard enough into history you could probably find tons of zealous, knowledgeable, holy and productive Christians who never attended church. But who has time for that?
But read the whole guide. It will edify you so much, you don’t have to go to church for the next ten Sundays. For your Spiritual Formation, just meditate one point every Sunday.