What About 21st Century Dating?

Some of our young men (maybe some young women also) have been discussing the merits of Biblical courtship and betrothal over modern dating and courtship. But it’s not clear what exactly is “Biblical” courtship and betrothal.

Defying parental prohibitions, youths occasionally caught the quickest ride to their connubial destination. At left, a coach waits for a pair leaving by the back fence in John Collet's The Elopement, from ca. 1764, in Colonial Williamsburg's collections. (from http://www.history.org/Foundation/journal/Holiday07/court.cfm) (Click image to enlarge)
Defying parental prohibitions, youths occasionally caught the quickest ride to their connubial destination. At left, a coach waits for a pair leaving by the back fence in John Collet’s “The Elopement,” ca. 1764, in Colonial Williamsburg’s collections. (from http://www.history.org/Foundation/journal/Holiday07/court.cfm) (Click image to enlarge)

In addition to being raised in the “sexually-liberated” 60s and 70s culture, I’m a generation-and-a-half disengaged from today’s Millennials, who form the largest age group in our church. My first reaction is to recommend Joshua Harris’ I Kissed Dating Goodbye (2nd ed., Multnomah, 2003). Originally written back in 1997, this book was favorably reviewed by many Reformed pastors and churches, including this one by a Protestant Reformed blogger. Harris denounced the casual serial dating circuit of young adults, but as another Reformed blogger writes, what about those early-to-late teens who are attracted to the opposite sex years before they’re ready for marriage?

In “Too Serious Too Soon?” Sharon Bratcher argues against Facebook’s “in a relationship” status:

Well, most young people aren’t interested in waiting or casual dating. So in general the pattern today is more like: boy likes girl, girl likes boy too (or vice versa) and within two weeks they declare on Facebook that they are “in a relationship.” But what does that mean?… [I]t often ends up meaning that they pour all of their emotional attention towards one another, and create expectations for the other to follow suit… There’s no time to grow or reflect in between. The pressure becomes too much, too soon… If you’re not ready to marry, please be careful about saying “we’re in a relationship” and then describing that as a level of emotional commitment that belongs to engagement and marriage…

This brings us back to the dating culture. I don’t agree with the dating scene as practiced by everyone today. According to Rev. Brian Schwertley in “Dating Versus Biblical Courtship,” the modern dating scene—unsupervised by parents—started only in the 1930s. Great temptations lurk behind situations where couples are alone, whether outside or inside the home. Lust and emotions are mistaken for true, Biblical love between married couples. Boy and girl date without any sense of long-term commitment, but only for pleasure and fun.

Does this mean that a couple cannot spend time to get to know each other, so a guy just asks a girl to marry him as soon as he decides that she’s the one God has given her without even knowing her? While Rev. Schwertley is opposed to dating, he also rejects arranged marriages. Even Abraham’s search for a wife for Isaac is not really an arranged marriage without consent, but Isaac had genuine love for Rebekah (Gn 24:67). How soon did Jacob fall in love with Rachel? Perhaps one month! (Gn 29:14) What did Jacob see in Rachel? “Rachel was beautiful in form and appearance” (Gn 29:16-18). (In guys’ lingo, “she has a great body.”) Says Rev. Schwertley:

In biblical courtship, the Christian father has a responsibility to oversee the process of finding a mate for a son or a daughter. This process is a rejection of both the modern dating system and arranged marriages where a son or daughter have no say or input whatsoever in the selection process. Although the parents clearly have the authority to say no to a relationship there is no biblical evidence for a father ordering a daughter or son to marry someone. (emphasis added)

The biblical evidence for courtship over dating or an arranged marriage without the child’s consent is found in the following: (1) Contra modern dating, Abraham considers it his responsibility to find a good wife for his son, Isaac. (2) However, (contra arranged marriage) Abraham assumes the woman has a choice in the matter when he says, “If the woman is not willing to follow you, then you will be released from this oath.” (3) Biblical courtship is supported by the fact that permission from this girl’s father is first sought and obtained before the girl (Rebekah) proceeds to Canaan (cf. Gen. 24:50-51). Godly Abraham did not leave the finding of a suitable mate for his son to chance, dating or romance, but took an active role in finding a godly mate for his son and thereby ensured continuance of a godly seed.

One principle, among several others, set forth by Rev. Schwertley, is worthy of special attention by interested suitors: “Men must approach the woman’s father and get permission to court; and, to get engaged and married.”

So, for you “seeker-sensitive” guys and gals, read Rev. Schwertley’s whole article, “Dating Versus Biblical Courtship.” Then ask me to find a match for you.


Posted

in

by

Tags: